Over the years I have struggled to believe in myself, my ability to do certain things, trust that the decisions I make and relationships I choose are good for me. My expression, small businesses, relationships, heart and mind have suffered my fears.
The worst part about the lack of belief in self, isn’t the awareness of the failures, it’s the fact that the capitalist world runs on the model of selling yourself and product so people can trust you to deliver your abilities and product. So you struggle twice, believing in yourself and failing to make others believe in you.
My recovery required people who believed in me and gave me room to fail without failing them. Love without expectations, there is room for God to sow that love in your heart but it has to translate into a physical picture through someone, usually a parent.
That person (or people) is a good model of God’s love. if you don’t have this person, focus on the practicalities of your situation as you pray and keep on the lookout heart-wise for that kind of love.
- One of the practical things I had to do was reconnect with myself – find out the small things I like to do for the fun of it. No obligations, no routines, just spontaneity. It’s interesting the things you find out about yourself when you haven’t conditioned your mind. For example I am happiest after bathing because I hate bathing, when am emotionally tired, sitting in the bathroom just before taking a shower calms me. I hate routines, so am continually looking for ways of doing the same thing differently and I like walking through supermarket aisles even when I have a thousand Uganda shillings (1000/=).
Reconnecting with yourself in terms of what you like to do helps in making better long term decisions like career, relationships because you have better awareness of who you are and where you fit.
- Next, evaluate your activities, what things really matter to your vision of self.
Many of the things in my own life didn’t matter for the life of me. My own situation seemed like I had to rewrite my life but I just couldn’t jump ship in one go, I would lose financial and emotional stability because my identity was etched in my career and lifestyle decisions, so I set an exit plan that is time-based. I am currently waiting the time out as I learn some new skills.
- Draw inspiration for what you want to do, the big and small goals.
This is different for each of us, it could be physical visits, internet searches, drawing, whatever your process is. For me, reading and and listening to people’s stories affirms me – if it happened for them, it can happen for me as well. For implementation of projects, visuals are a good fit for creative inspiration or even copy and paste.
- Set time-based small goals to your big goal and execute them. Because now you most likely have an idea of what to do and how to do it.
When it gets daunting and overwhelming or I start to feel like this may never happen, I repeat cycle – reconnect as I rest – draw inspiration – set and execute small goals to the big one.
In a society that generally speaks less of small beginnings and their growth to big things but hails the end product such as Uganda, more than once people will consciously and subconsciously try to warp you into the need to stop dreaming, over thinking, instead focus on the day-to-day survival and making choices for you. Ignoring and emotionally distancing yourself from such toxic talk is a good business because such talk makes one feel powerless to do the things they want to do and sets you back from believing in yourself, the endless possibilities of life, building your dream and character to match it.
Ps: (Note to self) Sell yourself tall – not short, it’s a capitalistic economy. As you do it be mindful to match the bill to the client. Big monies – big bills, small monies – kind bills.
Special thanks to J & L for their contribution to my reflections.